Goodbye to All

An awful, awful thing. I hate it. You can’t get used to it, and it never gets easier. Saying goodbye. The word in itself doesn’t make any sense; how can a “bye” be good? Especially in situations when you are almost certain that you won’t see each other ever again.

It’s been a tough couple of days: way too many goodbyes, to way too many people that are dear to my heart and who I will most likely not have the chance to meet again.

I always make a promise to myself that I wouldn’t cry, and most of the time, I’m okay until the “[big sigh] Well [pause] maybe we’ll see each other again sometime… [swallow]” part, but then the hug comes, and I completely lose control. My tears fight themselves through my carefully built up guard, running down on my cheeks recklessly.

It’s strange how sorrow can manifest in physical pain. Every time I have to say goodbye to someone, it feels as if a small piece of my heart would crumble and dissolve in my blood stream, carrying the bitter memory of all the goodbyes of past years. When I close my eyes and concentrate on the inside, I can still feel it in my body. I think the tears are there to make sure that the heart doesn’t break into two halves, but even so, a part of me dies every time I have to say goodbye.

And why is it that a third party always appears at the worst time and interrupts the most emotional and intimate moment? And all of a sudden, you start feeling awkward, so that last kiss, that last hug, that last stroke on the arm never happens. There’s just a smile and a look. A smile, into which you try to put all the unraised questions, ungiven advice, untold stories; all the joyful moments you want to remember; all the lies you want to tell about seeing each other again; and all the pain you feel by leaving someone behind or having to let someone go. A smile that is powerless and a little forced but, at the same time, real and makes the other person smile back the same way. And that picture burns into your heart forever. And when you miss someone, you dig out that faded picture from the deepness of your heart, and the smile becomes sharper and sharper – the one in front of your eyes and the one on your face.

With love

To All

I ever had to say goodbye to.

I miss you all.

Have you read my story about happiness?

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