“Not tall enough. Too tall. Sandals? Oh boy! Cuddling with a kitten? Not manly enough. He doesn’t like cats? He has no heart. Posing in the mirror in underwear? What a self-obsessed moron! Doesn’t do any sport. Can’t relate to that.”
I’m not a judgmental person in real life. How can I be the exact opposite when it comes to filtering online dating profiles?
“Baseball cap with a straight stiff bill – are you 50 Cent, or what? I want hair. More on the head, less on the body, please. I’m not sure if I want kids or not, but he says he doesn’t want any? No. No-no-no. He HAS to be wanting kids. Eventually. Too old. Too young. Old enough but looks too young. Unattractive. Way too attractive.
Looks totally different in all his pictures, which one is the reality? Is that your ex-girlfriend next to you in that photo? Cute, but really? Argh… another photo with his car… and a half-naked picture. OK, let’s not be so harsh on him. There’s nothing wrong about being proud of his body or car, he certainly has worked hard for both. Oh, that’s not your niece but your daughter? How adorable! Or not.
Come on, girl, give a chance to this guy, he’s just a couple of inches shorter; you hate high heels anyway. Looking for a “relatively” intelligent woman? What does that even mean?
Looks like my ex-boyfriend. Doesn’t look anything like my ex-boyfriend.”
No matter what, he is just not right. I’m going to die alone.
Online dating is a weird mess. It’s this “thing” that nobody really believes in, but everybody tries (only once, of course) and gets hooked on because we all like compliments, even if they come from complete strangers or people we would never even notice in real life. And you also hear these stories how your friends’ friends met online and got married. So, how dare you not give it a chance, right?
For me, it all started with a research I was doing for a screenplay I’m working on. (See how we even lie about it?) And also out of boredom. I like meeting new people, and the Internet offers the opportunity to get to know thousands of interesting strangers from all walks of life on a silver platter. I went on a couple of dates, and even though I never got into anything serious, I almost always had a good time (or at least, an experience that makes a good story) and made some new friends.
(By the way, the research part is true. I’m writing a screenplay about a liberal, free-spirited grandma and wanted to see what’s out there for people at this age. Too bad, you can’t sneak around on the page without people knowing that you visited their profiles. Imagine how surprised – or flattered – the eighty-year-old grandpas were when they saw that I checked them out.)
One time, I went on a date with a guy in London. He took me to a really nice bar I’ve never been to. He was kind but also funny and laid-back; we got along really well, and I could almost see us as a couple already. Until we sat down and he moved closer to me. His breath stank like sewage, rotten eggs, and garlic all at once. And that was it. I couldn’t deal with it. We spent hours together (me keeping a safe distance from his mouth); laughed and talked, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I didn’t want to kiss him. End of story.
There was a positive outcome, though. A week after this less than ideal rendezvous, I took a girlfriend of mine to the exact same bar to celebrate her promotion. While I was waiting for our drinks, a guy with a cute smile approached me and we hit it off right away. (After I ran a quick, secret smell-check on his breath, of course.) We spent the whole night talking and walking around the city and had our first real date the very next day, and it was one of the best first dates I’ve ever been to.
Have you read my story about the LA creep?